Firsts

The first rain of the season is always the best. You can feel it for days before. The air gets thick and the sky seems to scream, "Get it out, get it out!" When I was little I used to wish for rainy days so I could make newspaper boats with my sister and race them down the sides of the roads while they were filled to the brim with run-off.

Rain makes old things new again, fills dead things with life, and in little girls minds can make anything right again.

The first rain is like a new start, somewhat like the first snow of winter or the first brown leaf of autumn. It's natures way of telling us to move on. Out with the old and in with the new. "Stop holding on", the universe says, nudging us like an old friend would do after you've told them he broke your heart. Rain can only mean good things.

Blue Like Jazz

Praise the Lord! My copy of Blue Like Jazz has returned to me...and there was much rejoicing in the land.

What makes us happy?

I'm going to be honest when I say I haven't been restless the past year. My heart wanted to go in a million directions, none of which were where God wanted me to be. The feeling that something was missing loomed in my heart, not to be shaken by boyfriends or new jobs.

Learning to love God with your whole heart is hard, because it means giving up yourself-your hopes, your dreams, and ultimately your desires. Leaving yourself behind for the sake of the creator is a scary scary thing. Our flesh wants to hold on to what we think our hearts want. What we ultimately want is to be happy. I pose the question then, what makes us happy?

Giving up your desires is hard, but once we surrender-not submit-but trully surrend our lives to God, our desires become God's desires. We haven't lost our desires as much as gained the desires of God-the things God wants most for our lives. Fulfilling Gods desires for our lives can only bring one thing-happiness-and happiness and contentment go hand in hand.

I have never been more content with where I am in this life. God has trully blessed me with a peace beyond understanding. All I had to do was let go.

where did all my channels go

It is sad that my world has been turned upside down by the shift in cable channels. The company decided to regroup the channels for "better convenience" to the customer-my booty better convenience. Channel 19, Discovery, is not up in the 50's. Channel 40, the beloved MTV, now resides in the 50s as well with AMC and Spike. I cannot fathom who thought of such a ludacriss system for channel organization. It makes no logical sense to me. Everything used to be right with the world and now it's all gone amuck. AMUCK I tell you!

I am old

Dear Heavens. The Teddy Ruxpin is coming back. I am old.

R.I.P.

Mr. Fish died today. I got home and his head was hidden in the pebbles at the bottom of his tank, like he couldn't bare to live anymore so he just put his head down and gave up. It was all I had not to cry when I saw his lifeless eyes peering out from the sides of his once spunky body. His fins were motionless when I tapped on the tank to greet him. His color, once brilliant red, now faded to a dull pink.

I sang him a hymn before I flushed him down the toilet. Time of death, sometime between 5:30 and 8:43, when I found him limp and cowering between his pebbles. The worst part was Catherine wasn't here. I had to email her the news, which strikes me as odd and impersonal. I wish there was a better way, but she had to know.

I'm mourning alone. Rest in Peace dear sweet Mr. Fish. You will be missed.

Chicken Fried Lice...I mean Rice

The apartment stunk like chicken fried rice. The bottom of the wok had grabbed the chicken like a mom would grab her kid from in front of a moving bus and she had forgotten to grab frozen carrots from the Basha's across the street.

She was exhausted. A full week of camp, including mud wrestling, pool antics and long nights, which culminated in a 5 hour bus ride home, had left her without the capability to communicate or function normally.

Camp was followed by a turn-around trip to Phoenix with one of two future roommates Ani. Ani had to pick up her black lab from her mom's house after an 8 hour workday and a week at camp. She too had worked all day and had dreaded the late night drive home after Ani's mom forced them to go to dinner before they left.

Her life was filled with a suitcase of dirty clothes, 8 nights of sleep deprivation, and overcooked chicken.

"Ugh," she thought, "I just want to sleep for a week." If only it were that easy...

I reside in a cave...

As I walked around the corner of my small office, I thought to myself, "I know there is something going on today. What in the world is it?" I discovered 30 seconds later what I had forgoten. Three sweaty men greeted me as they pulled out their power drills and odd shaped office equipment. They were installing our new office cubicle units today.

Six hours and three cups of double sugar triple creamer coffee later, my cubicle was installed. "When did I become a person with a cubicle job?" I thought. "Am I turning into my mother? Dear God please no!" Now, I'm fond of my mother, don't get me wrong, but when did I enter cubicle world? This was not what I envisioned when I dreamed of my life after college. None-the-less it is a job, cubicle or no cubicle.

And now I reside in a cave. The two metalic gray overhead compartments on either side of my head serve to shadow the tacable gray surface of the module like walls that hang to the gray and teal granite look-a-like desk forming an l-shape, serving mostly to cocoon me at my workstation. My cavelike existence is due, in part, to my lack of window or hallway access without pushing back my plush office chair into the eisle created by the cubicle and the apposing wall.

My only saving grace is my computer, my link to the outside world, and the hilarious pictures of my friends hanging from my tactable surface. They bring life to my otherwise dull, gray cave. Well, that and my drawer of hidden goodies, but that is beside the point.

Now it's time for my daily battle with the copy machine, which lives an alternate life as a fax machine and a printer.

The older I get the more I discover

A little girl called me a grown up today. The early mornig sun was shining over the cool concrete steps leading to the church, and as I walked I saw a figure in teh distance walking toward me. A little girl was perched atop her daddy's shoulders, smiling and playing with his sandy brown hair. Her blonde ringlets reflected the bright sun so vividly, and it reminded me of when I was a little girl with blonde ringlets perched atop my daddy's strong, capable shoulders. "Look daddy," she said, "I'm even taller than grown-ups." She smiled and pointed at me as I walked past. I winked back at her before I jumped the first two steps and went on to the third. "I'm a grown-up," I thought, "Wow. When did that happen?"

Song of the week: Anything by Mae

Love. It's a wave I ride that won't ever reach the shore. Overwhelmed by the tide and wanting nothing more tonight, than to take this time and make it all mine.

It's coming around again...

Every now and again sometimes I get lost on the wind of a dream. The air gets clean and the seas get wide and I can do anything. The pain it won't even cross my mind, there is wonder in everything. The rope gets loose and the chains unbind and I can do anything.

Hope. It's the light that strikes that burns inside of me. It's a blinding light but somehow I can see again when I've lost my way. It's becoming very clear.

Somewhere between the darkness and the light my spirit takes flight. The colors fill the sky and I am free.

Maybe the greatest thing I've discovered in my 24 years of life is to see the beauty in everything. It's always in there somewhere, even if you have to dig from time to time.

buttcrack what...

I've discovered the blogspot. Xanga is wicked cool, but I need a more adult version for all my blogging needs. More later...