The night she felt real

She'll never forget the moment. It was the first time she really felt like a woman. His worn, once-white Stryper baseball tee hung from her tall frame, hitting her mid-thigh.

Downstairs, the typical college party raged onward. The smell of stale beer mixed with sweat and a semester of big gulps and sandwiches filled his bedroom. Boys. College boys to say the least. Distant music mingled with murmers was all she could hear as she slid into his twin bed. She was surprised. The sheets smelled like mountain freshness, most likely, she concluded from his dryer sheets. Impressive.

The Milwakees Best she had downed right before coming upstairs was lingering on her breath. She wad tired from socializing. All she wanted was a good nights rest and an embrace from the owner of the t-shirt.

Things had been awkward. They had stopped talking. There was more polite banter than real conversation. He was holding something back. What it was she couldn't quite tell yet.

Nieve. That's what she was. She was afraid to push-afraid to ask the tough questions.

She pulled the thin plaid blanket up to her chin, turned on her side, and laid there for a few minutes, letting the sounds of the party below wash over her weary body. She heard his footsteps up the stairs, then in the hall. He was in front of the door. The hall light creeped in as he snuck hussedly into the room. She heard him slid off his pants and tug at his shirt.

He slid into the bed next to her and drapped his arm over her. She could feel his breath on her neck. Chills. The all over kind. Up and down her spin. She wanted to hold onto this moment for an eternity.

She let her hand fall over his drapped arm and squeezed his hand as if to signal that she recognized his presence. She wanted more than anything to turn over and kiss him, but something in her wouldn't allow it. There were no rings, no vows, no assurances of a forever. Two were not one. None-the-less, maybe this was a good sign. She felt hope well up in her chest as they lay there in the mountain fresh twin bed.

She would never forget that night. That was the night she felt real.

And...well...yeah

Day 20: Midway. So far so good.

Question of the day-
If you smoke and drink, can you still give your heart to Jesus?

(small disclaimer here: this is a question, not an admittance to any of the aformentioned things)

Comment in 3, 2, 1, go...

Day 19

Day 19

The days Ohne-IM have been well...really fun to be quite honest. I've spent more time with my girls, read about three books, went to Disneyland, met some pretty rad new people, contracted a killer cold, and actually had some pretty significant conversation. For awhile there I had forgotten how hard it can be to have real conversations. The 'Hi, how are you' conversations are never bad, but they lead to the even better 'what's new with you' conversations in which I find out about make-ups, break-ups, great concerts, shingles, bad dates, bad tests, good things, not so good things, and all things random. AND I got to see one of my best friends get engaged.

On another note, I've discovered the beauty that is bubbo tea. Delicious. I was originally put off by the thought of tapioca balls drenched in frozen Vietnamese dessert, but can I just say the tapioca...made me smile. And the movie Amelia. Thank you Laura Atchinson for exposing me to such an amazing movie.

I love you, I love your family...keep it real and get into some trouble.

The last time I checked that was illegal

Top 10 things I like about the guys in my life:

10. They know just how to tweek the car stereo to get the best sound quality
9. They always have the best stereo/audio vision set-ups. Hello surround sound.
8. They trully believe that the team will win if they just shout louder at the TV.
7. The way they take less than 30 minutes to get ready for anything.
6. They swear they dislike shows associated with being "girly" but secretly watch Blow-out.
5. They eat like horses but don't gain weight.
4. They have some sort of God-given talent for all things sporty.
3. Scars are cool in their world.
2. They get awkward around girls they like. It's adorable I promise.
1. They get excited about working on their cars and fixing the leaky sink.

How I broke up with Trader Joes...

Such a funny link. I heart craig's list. I wish I could be this funny.

yours trully
launa

Blue Like Jazz boys

I've often been disconcerted by the mundane tasks of the day. Somehow they make me feel mediocer, boring almost. Then today I read this:

The Elusive Will of God (from Relevantmagazine.com)

I call them Blue Like Jazz Boys. I’m sure you know a few of them. Maybe you’re dating one. Maybe you are one.

A Blue Like Jazz Boy is someone who manages to seamlessly weave an enthusiastic recommendation of the book Blue Like Jazz into every conversation he has. I had a hunch that two such boys were sitting next to me at a table in Starbucks. Several clues gave them away, including their lengthy analysis of the latest David Crowder Band CD and their excessive use of the word “postmodernism.” Oblivious to my eavesdropping, the boys continued conversing while sipping their $5 lattes.

“Did you decide about California yet?”
“Nah, not yet …”
“It’s a tough decision …”
“Yah … I know … it’d be a great opportunity, but I’m just not sure … I’ve been praying a lot … reading my Bible … just really trying to figure out which choice is God’s will, you know?”

I tuned out the boys so I could begin reading my book. I had just come from Barnes & Noble, and my book was brand new; their conversation, on the other hand, was not. I have heard many twentysomethings discuss their future in much the same way, talking as though God had pre-picked a specific route for their life—which college to attend, which major to choose, which place to live after college, which job to take, which person to marry and so on.

These twentysomethings routinely say things like “I’m just trying to find God’s will for my life” or “I’m wondering what God’s will is.” Their very language implies that deep down they believe God is playing a big game with them. He’s created a great riddle for them to try and solve … a divine round of hide-and-go-seek in which they are forced to participate. But I don’t think God delights in making things difficult for His creation. Although we might all wish that God would spell out His thoughts regarding what job to take or whom to marry, that’s generally not how it works.

People who become obsessed with finding and doing God’s will right before they have to make big life choices often miss the point entirely. That’s because the only time we really need to know and do God’s will is right now—in this present moment. Whether we follow His will in the small choices we make during the next hour of our lives has the greatest significance.

St. Francis of Assisi offers a good example of this. While he was raking leaves one day, a neighbor asked, “If you knew for certain that Christ Himself were coming back in a half-hour, what would you do?”

St. Francis replied, “I’d finish raking the yard.”

Many of us have come to view our daily routine as boring—just empty space to be filled with an array of distractions. But the key to knowing and doing the will of God is seeing that empty space for what it is: exceedingly important. We need to become vigilant about that space and remain unwilling to take small detours from God’s will—speaking disrespectfully to loved ones, watching trash on TV, wasting valuable time at work. It’s the wrong choices we make in everyday life that put us instantly out of God’s will for our lives.

In The Will of God as a Way of Life, author Jerry Sittser says, “The Bible tells us what we must do today, which often involves mundane tasks we tend to overlook. It tells us precious little about what is going to happen tomorrow, except to say that God is in control. We spend much of our time wishing the reverse were true. ‘Forget today,’ we say to ourselves, ‘I already know about that. It’s boring. I want to know about tomorrow because that’s unknown and exciting.’ But Jesus wants us to devote our time and energy to all the little tasks we must do every day, not just to the big decisions we have to make every so often …”

The good news is that we can decide right this moment to get back into the center of God’s will—by simply making the right choice in the next decision we’re faced with.

I wanted to tell the single-white-male-seeking-God’s-will-in-Starbucks that he had already found it. He was praying and reading God’s word; he was obviously concerned about giving God a central place in his life. Therefore, he was right where he needed to be—-trying to please his Creator through his ordinary, every day life. If he continued doing that, he’d probably remain in God’s will whether he moved to California or stayed in Chicago.

I glanced up from my book as the two boys stood up to leave.
“See you Wednesday?”
“Yah, I’ll definitely be there…we changed it back to 7, right?
“Yep … Oh, and don’t forget to bring Blue Like Jazz for Dave to borrow …”

I looked back down to hide my smile.

Jennifer Ruisch is the author of Faith and the City (RELEVANT Books). She lives in Des Moines, Iowa with her husband.

putting your money where your mouth is

Ninety-one million. Not quit the number of stars in the sky or grains of sand on the beach, but it is the number of registered Instant Messanger users as of 2004, according to America Online.

That's a lot of people. A wooping 70% of American internet users say they use instant messanger. The gentle cling of the IM alert and the orange blinking indicator of the IM box are well know in today's culture.

"You've got mail" has been replaced by the glow of our buddy lists. We have full conversations, heck full relationships, within the confinds of our living rooms-over the internet. What happened to body language? The tone in a persons voice?

When did we decide it was ok to have contrived, semi-personal, mediocer relationships with each other? I'd be lying to say I haven't been the perpetrator of such relationships. My last relationship was, in fact, started on the internet and continued in part by IM. I have done it. I still do it. I'm too afraid to pick up the phone and call, so I take the easy, passive way out and send an IM.

Messaging is, albeit, convenient for a generation glued to their computers, but I'm tired of mediocer relationships. I want authenticity. I want genuine conversation. I want to hear my friends laugh, cry, be joyful, be angry. There is something to be said about a good conversation about what's on your heart.

I've decided to put my money where my mouth is. I'm giving up Instant Messanger for lent. I'm going to chronicle my time post IM. Days-ohne-IM, if you will (if you speak German you may catch the cleaverness in the title).

I'm excited to see where God takes me on this journey. Till I see you again, keep it semi-real, get into some trouble, and know that I love you...and your family.

The love arena

I read this awhile ago, and it made me think of relationships, both in the friend arena and the "more" arena.

Christian Love: Giving up the Fantasy

"...If we are to embrace a brand of Christianity that truly alters our lives and the world in which we inhabit, it will require more from us than throwing out our secular music and wearing kitschy T-shirts bearing memorable Jesus-ized slogans.

First, it’s important to rediscover the unsexy unselfishness inherent in biblical ideas of love. We have to remind the world (and ourselves) that love involves sacrifice. Somewhere along the way, the “otherness” that love demands gets lost. In a generation where self-gratification reaches new levels through erotic mass media and a dangerously casual dating culture, the idea of abstaining from indulgence sounds almost puritanical. Yet such an attitude is completely contrary to a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love that is defined, not by feelings or emotions or sensuality, but by matters of will, of choice and of sacrifice.

It doesn’t sound very erotic, but it may be the only prescription for healthy, transcendent relationships...

Finally, love must be removed—with a scalpel, if necessary—from the romantic entanglements lauded by pop culture’s generic TV-archetypes. Ironically, this aspect of false love may be the most difficult to rid ourselves of. Because it is seemingly benign (almost adorably innocent), it escapes the critical lens of truth. Who could deny the life-changing love that grew and blossomed between Justin and Britney? Brad and Angelina? Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper? Who would want to?

The truth nobody likes to admit (but everyone knows deep down) is that love can be quite unimpressive, even boring; my parents have watched British comedies every Saturday night for 15 years! Before that, they square-danced. God save us from such fates …

Or perhaps: God redeem us through such simplicity...

Love is a lot of work—gut-wrenching at times—which means that Christianity is inevitably hard, no matter what the televangelists say..."

(Peter Walker is a Spiritual Formation student at George Fox Seminary, and works with youth and drama ministries at his local church. He is desperate for change.)

www.relevantmagazine.com

Red Digital Numbers

12:03 am. That's the time. My cheap digital alarm clock says so. With every passing second the little red digital numbers remind me that the evening drags on. Three nights in a row this has happened. I can't sleep. Something is not right. What it is I can't figure out. Stress. Stubborness. Restlesness. Frustration. Who knows really. Maybe all of the above. The fact remains, however, that this can not go on. My will must be stronger than my body. My will screams a resounding 'no'! My body screams 'please'! It's just like what I imagine a brides body would scream after the first caress of her groom. Longing. She would long to be one. I just long to sleep. Somehow that seems enough for the moment.

10 Great things

10 Great things in my life that I thank God for:

1. Amazing friends
2. My beautiful High School girls
3. Younglife
4. Hammocks
5. The eggnog latte
6. Purchasing giant black underwear to use at club
7. The fact that I'm 14 hot dogs tall (2 hot dogs taller than Tanita)
8. Switchfoot
9. The smell of winter approaching
10. My incredible roommates (refer to number 1)

Pumpkin cookies

"What do I say?" I thought, as I was paying for the loaf of garlic bread and pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. "Is it even appropriate to bring something?" was the next thought in my mind.

How could cookies possibly replace a person? How do you make something like that better? How do you make up for someone jumping off the roof of a building?

Somehow cookies seemed like the only thing I could offer my distrote friend as I pulled up to his house. My heart was punding hard in my chest as I walked through his open front door. I heard voices in the kitchen. What was I to expect? How would he look? Had he been crying? Was he in shock?

As I entered the kitchen I held the plastic bag out in front of me and smiled. "How are you?" seemed like the natural thing to ask, but then again I knew how he was. His roommate had been found dead at the bottom of the student union early that morning. The police were saying suicide. I couldn't bring myself to ask the natural question because it didn't seem appropriate. It seemed contrite and unthoughtful. A hug was the only thing that seemed appropriate at the time, so I grabbed him and wrapped my arms around his neck. We lingered there for a moment, and I could sense he was just glad I was there at all.

As we parted, I found them all gathered in the kitchen. He was eating a bowl of spagetti over the sink. They laughed about the ants taking over the kitchen and he thanked me for the food.

My heart ached for his lose. How do people recovery from tragedies like this? I know it happens. People suffer every day, but somehow this one seems so unrecoverable, so real, so close. Why? Why did he do it? Why couldn't we do anything? Why is the world round? Why does the Sun rise every morning? Only God knows. That's the hardest part about it.

Crushes, butterflies, and all things sound

You know that funny feeling you get in your stomach when someone you have a made crush on looks at you, or talks to you. It's that same feeling you get when you read something they wrote, or smell something that reminds them of you. The feeling that your stomach is floating on marshmallows and your face gets all tingly, you can't help but smile, and your heart begins to race a little.

I got that feeling just now, but suprisingly there was no boy involved. The tingles came as I was putting the finishing touches on my club talk for this evening. I was sitting there writting, and I thought about my kids faces, all bright-eyed and naive, starring back at me begging for some shred of knowledge about Jesus. Then my heart started to race and I realized I was excited to give me talk tonight. Don't get me wrong, I have no problems with public speaking, but it doesn't usually make my heart race with joy or excitment.

Blessed be your name, when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be your name.

Blessed be your name, when the suns shining down on me, and the worlds all as it should be, blessed be your name.

Sugar Shack

The sugar shack is where I reside. Peter W. named it as such. One wall in our living room is smurf blue. Elephants litter the premesis like pop cans after a party and our chocolate brown couch cover always slides of our hang-me-down couch. Our dull green chairs flanking the couch serve as swivel entertainment when our friends come over. Our DVD collection is minimal, but that allows for more conversation at 3am when the hammock in the backyard beckons us.

Sugar Shack Cast of Characters:

Kristin McD.- the quazi owner of the shack. Her gentle spirit and fun loving randomness make her a dichotomy of sorts. Her dark curly hair has most recently been cut to chin length and her philosophy is stay as white as possible as long as possible. She's usually the awkward one in any given situation, but that's what makes her so spectacular.

Ani M.- The one who tells it straight. She has an eye for fashion and interior design, which accounts for our smurf colored wall and her mint green room. She drives her cherry red camry like the world is going to end, with her left foot on the dash and her seat reclined like a rice rocket driver. She's also addicted to italien gelatto.

Loretta- The other single girl in the house. She's tall and athletic, with a heart as big as the moon. She owns the Michael Jackson Number One CD, a feet I enjoy thoroughly as I've made it a habit to raid her CD collection for random music to have dance parties with.

The Peter- Ani's boyfriend. The AC in his old Jeep doesn't work, and sometimes he comes over and lays in weird positions on our living room floor. If his personality was any bigger it wouldn't fit his seemly smaller stature. I have yet to see 'angry peter', but has heard stories and do not look forward to the day he appears.

Dan Yama...- his dad is half Japanese and he has been persuing a relationship with Kristin for some time and has finally convinced her to go out with him. Their idea of a good date is dressing up in fun outfits and eating dinner at Peter Piper Pizza. We usually call Dan when we need our computers fixed or have problems with electronics because he is Japanese after all::wink::

Other random characters poke their heads in from time to time, all of which will be explained as the need arises. For now, I'm going to go have pancake breakfast with my roommates.

and then I had you

I'm at a lose for words. God you are so good to me and I know I don't deserve it. I pray that you would continue to give me true intimacy with you and with the people you have placed in my life.

All I ask is more of you and less of me...until I can longer see myself but only you in me. Help me to understand who you are and who you want me to become in you.

Please love me when no one else will, when no one else can, and when I don't think I need it.

Firsts

The first rain of the season is always the best. You can feel it for days before. The air gets thick and the sky seems to scream, "Get it out, get it out!" When I was little I used to wish for rainy days so I could make newspaper boats with my sister and race them down the sides of the roads while they were filled to the brim with run-off.

Rain makes old things new again, fills dead things with life, and in little girls minds can make anything right again.

The first rain is like a new start, somewhat like the first snow of winter or the first brown leaf of autumn. It's natures way of telling us to move on. Out with the old and in with the new. "Stop holding on", the universe says, nudging us like an old friend would do after you've told them he broke your heart. Rain can only mean good things.

Blue Like Jazz

Praise the Lord! My copy of Blue Like Jazz has returned to me...and there was much rejoicing in the land.

What makes us happy?

I'm going to be honest when I say I haven't been restless the past year. My heart wanted to go in a million directions, none of which were where God wanted me to be. The feeling that something was missing loomed in my heart, not to be shaken by boyfriends or new jobs.

Learning to love God with your whole heart is hard, because it means giving up yourself-your hopes, your dreams, and ultimately your desires. Leaving yourself behind for the sake of the creator is a scary scary thing. Our flesh wants to hold on to what we think our hearts want. What we ultimately want is to be happy. I pose the question then, what makes us happy?

Giving up your desires is hard, but once we surrender-not submit-but trully surrend our lives to God, our desires become God's desires. We haven't lost our desires as much as gained the desires of God-the things God wants most for our lives. Fulfilling Gods desires for our lives can only bring one thing-happiness-and happiness and contentment go hand in hand.

I have never been more content with where I am in this life. God has trully blessed me with a peace beyond understanding. All I had to do was let go.

where did all my channels go

It is sad that my world has been turned upside down by the shift in cable channels. The company decided to regroup the channels for "better convenience" to the customer-my booty better convenience. Channel 19, Discovery, is not up in the 50's. Channel 40, the beloved MTV, now resides in the 50s as well with AMC and Spike. I cannot fathom who thought of such a ludacriss system for channel organization. It makes no logical sense to me. Everything used to be right with the world and now it's all gone amuck. AMUCK I tell you!

I am old

Dear Heavens. The Teddy Ruxpin is coming back. I am old.

R.I.P.

Mr. Fish died today. I got home and his head was hidden in the pebbles at the bottom of his tank, like he couldn't bare to live anymore so he just put his head down and gave up. It was all I had not to cry when I saw his lifeless eyes peering out from the sides of his once spunky body. His fins were motionless when I tapped on the tank to greet him. His color, once brilliant red, now faded to a dull pink.

I sang him a hymn before I flushed him down the toilet. Time of death, sometime between 5:30 and 8:43, when I found him limp and cowering between his pebbles. The worst part was Catherine wasn't here. I had to email her the news, which strikes me as odd and impersonal. I wish there was a better way, but she had to know.

I'm mourning alone. Rest in Peace dear sweet Mr. Fish. You will be missed.