Coffee, music, and all things lovely

If you had told me a year ago that my life would look like it does right now, I would have laughed at you, then probably pointed...and laughed some more...and then told you you were a crazy lunatic. Seriously.

This summer will be an adventure in persistence, trust, and growing. I'm scarred. I'm excited. I'm anticipating. I'm hopeful. I'm skeptical. I'm joyous. I'm grateful. I'm becoming.

Becoming is somehow some much easier to say once you have nothing left to say. God has stripped it away. I am becoming. Sounds better every time. I'm becoming. Still true. I welcome it.

of my weary soul

I have awoken every morning with this song in my head. Lord, this is my heart's prayer.

Dear Refuge of My Weary Soul

Dear refuge of my weary soul,
On Thee, when sorrows rise
On Thee, when waves of trouble roll,
My fainting hope relies
To Thee I tell each rising grief,
For Thou alone canst heal
Thy Word can bring a sweet relief,
For every pain I feel

But oh! When gloomy doubts prevail,
I fear to call Thee mine
The springs of comfort seem to fail,
And all my hopes decline
Yet gracious God, where shall I flee?
Thou art my only trust
And still my soul would cleave to Thee
Though prostrate in the dust

Hast Thou not bid me seek Thy face,
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace,
Be deaf when I complain?
No still the ear of sovereign grace,
Attends the mourner's prayer
Oh may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there

Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet,
Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet...

©1998, Kevin Twit Music.
Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Cheap and beautiful

I went to the Phoenix Public Library today. The place is a work of art. Not to mention all the books it contains. The elevator shafts are like individual light boxes. I thought about taking out the camera to snap a picture, but thought it a bit tacky, but the more I think about it, the more I wish I had. Could'a, should'a, would'a. Story of my life.

Floor one, reference materials. Floor two, law books, government publications, and car manuals (kind of pithy in my mind). Floor three, staff only. One of the walls on this floor is bright green, like grass got lost and found a home on the wall. Floor four, teen central. There is a miniature "old world" library. One with no electronic filing system. Just card files stacked on top of each other. It reminded me of elementary school. It even smelled like my old elementary school. Kind of musty mixed with sweaty children. Floor five is my favorite. As you come up the stairs and around the corner, you see something very unexpected, the entire north end of the city, impeded only by rows and rows of illuminated reading desks. They have an odd glow about them, almost a mustard color. It' magnificent, especially at night. It's a great place to take a date. Cheap and beautiful. The library, not your date.

This floor is also my favorite because there are rows and rows of art books on the west side. I could, and did, sit there for a few hours just gazing in wonder. Just as I thought I'd found a book I could concentrate on, another passed through my fingers as I drug them across the shelves. The Big Book of Art. Bauhaus Movement. Contemporary Artists. Art Through the Ages. No end in site.

Perspective

I'm not sure if it was the conversation or just knowing that I wasn't alone that helped, but this morning I woke up with an incredible sense of peace.

It could have also been the 3 shots and 1 typhoid fever pill I took that did it. Who knows really. I am, however, immune now to Yellow Fever, Hepatitis A and B, Tetanus, Typhoid Fever, and soon Malaria.

It's amazing how something so small can give you such perspective. I had to get up today and tell people about all the children Food for the Hungry helped sponsor this past year. Picture after picture flashed up on the screen. My life is so blessed I thought. My life is so rich with friendships and opportunities I reminded myself. Perspective.

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17.

Walking

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I feel incapable. I feel as if something is wrong with my general self. I want to cry, but it won't come. I even sat in the shower to see if it would help. It didn't. Things I don't want to admit.

I hear His whisper. You're not capable; but I am. Trust. It hurts I say. I know. Trust. But I don't know if I can I say. You can; you have to. It feels like an eternity I say. My timing is perfect. I know it in my head I say, but my heart isn't listening. Seek and you shall find, ask and it shall be given. What do I ask for I plead. Peace, patience, kindness and joy. This is hard I say. Behold I make all things new. Even me I ask. Yes, even you. But it still hurts I say. I am the vine, you are the branches. What if I fail. I am the great I am. Trust. But I'm lonely I say. My yoke is easy and my burden is light. Trust...things I don't want to admit.

Where have all the stars gone?

In Tucson, there is a light ordinance which limits the amount of light that can be omitted into the environment. This ordinance keeps the observatory located near Tucson very happy, and a convenient bi-product for Tucsonans is the most brilliantly shining night sky. I never realized how beautiful the Tucson sky was until I moved into the city and tried to look at the stars...realizing that they are absent from the Phoenix sky. I very much miss looking up at night and being greeted by a blanket of brightly shining orbs of burning matter. God really knew what He was doing when He thought of stars. They seem to make everything more managable...more livable...more friendly.

I wonder if people in Phoenix even know what they're missing?

The life of my bag as a traveling vagabond

Contents of my well-loved grey Manhattan Portage:
* torn boarding pass-destination Phoenix to Denver to Sioux Falls
* partial Ikea list with a longer post-it note stuck to it
* Well-used penny with an issue year of 1996
* Ipod earpods
* Empty zebra print traveling folding wallet
* Set of keys
* Recipe cards for coffee cake from Starbucks
* White plastic spoon
* Baggy of Splenda
* Crumpled luggage tag
* Nine used gum wrappers
* Empty bag from airline peanuts
* Folder from marriage survey I gave feedback on last night
* Four unused LifeLight mini-schedules
* DVD copies of the Zeway video
* Flight itinerary for LifrLight
* Leather date book
* Paystub from two weeks ago
* Blue flower mini-notebook
* Checkbook
* Unopened Wells Fargo bill
* Airline approved plastic ziplock bag with the following enclosed-
Sweetpea lotion
Degree deoderant
Rosebud strawberry lip balm
Opti-Free eye contact drops
Generic chapstick with sunscreen
Visine eye drops
Peach Buzz flavored lip gloss
Set of blue earplugs
Burts Bees cuticle cream
* Yellow pencil case
* Cosmetic bag containing the following:
Contact case
Party supplies
travel toothbrush
floss
Kleenex
moist towelette
nail clippers
two bobby pins
Tylenol
one used gum wrapper
* Wallet
* White sunglasses
* ziplock bag with 4 bags of tea
* Sunglass case
* Bobby pin container with bobby pins included
* Sweetmint gum
* Four rubber bands
* One pen
* Two black sharpie, one teal one
* Toothbrush
* Hotel lotion
* FM transmitter for Ipod
* Nature Valley peanut butter granola bar
* Change purse
* Tag from cordaroy jacket I bought in Sioux Falls
* Target receipt
* Peanut Toffee Buzz Clif Bar
* New Mae CD
* White Younglife button
* Evan Anthem button
* White 12' macbook in neopreen case
* Mac power cord
* Ipod with black rubber cover
* Ipod connector cord
* Cell phone

I think it may be time to clean out my bag. I also wish there were more interesting things inside the bag. Sorry to disappoint.

This is my life now.

I'm panning around the room. Virtually nothing is mine. What have I done? I've moved my entire life into a storage unit on McClintock and am now living amongst someone elses stuff. A wave of self-doubt runs deep into my core. Did I do this right? Is there a wrong way to move your life? What if this wasn't the plan? It feels so...permanent.

Plagued with lingering questions in my mind, I began to breath. For the first time I just sat in the middle of the room and took it all in. This is my life now. It's filled with last minute flights, packing...and re-packing...and unpacking, and travel sized toothpaste. The last was my favorite part. How could something so small bring me such joy? It's incredible really.

For the first time in weeks I'm beginning to feel normal again; like I can fit here. There is a place for me here. Like a frayed and lost puzzle piece, come home to the bigger picture to which it belongs.

I'm sill amongst the stuff, the stuff that isn't my own, but it's all beginning to make sense.

35W

As we drove south on 35W, which we discovered fairly late in the game that South was the opposite way from where we were trying to go, I realized how great my life had become. Jamin and Mary chatted in the back seat while Liz and I tried desperately to navigate the trecherous highways and byways of the Twin Cities. "Take 35W North...wait, why is there a W after the name?" I questioned the map, as if it would answer me back with a quippy response. "I have no idea," Liz answers back, hearing my mumble to myself. "This is just stupid. I have a feeling we are supposed to be going north, not south." I was stating the obvious.

The laminated map, picked up at McStop in Bloomington, was turning into our salvation. The lady at the venue had given us horrible directions, making it nearly impossible to find anything resembling a concert venue.

After two hours on 35W, we made it. The time was spent bonding over frustration, laughter, and McStop jokes.

How is my life this good!!?? I get paid to hang out with awesome people.

Who's in YOUR Funky Bunch?

A product of too much coffee, not enough sleep, 10 hours in a car, 3 lectures on the theory of sex, one lunch at BJ's, and 1 Relevant Podcast...the Funky Bunch is born:

The Funny Man: Steve Carell

The Thug: Mr. T

The Assistant Thug: Alec Baldwin

The Entertainer: Gob Bluth

The Whit: John Cusack

The Eccentric: Andy Warhol

The Socially Conscious Musician: Jon Foreman

The Rock-n-Roll: Kristin May of Vedera...not only is she a phenomenal singer, she rocks it harder than Axel rose on Crack

The Bank Roller (doubles as the Face AND reacher of things which are high): J.J. Reddick of the Magic

The Teen Heart Throb: Joey McIntyre

Places, people, and smells

Call it a self-inflicted obsession. Call it a passion driven hobby. Call it what you will. My bike and I will call it good.

It was sunny. The breeze was the kind that makes you want to hug your neighbor or buy an ice cream cone. The day was perfect. The smells of spring were all around. Citrus blossoms from the neighbors yard. Grilled meat from the family down the street. I imagine a family gathered around the grill. The small boy with his mouth watering, impatiently bouncing at his fathers feet. The little girl with sweet curls and a plate in her hand, anxiously awaiting her fathers first fruits. The mother, happily preparing for the feast to come.

The road was under my feet. I could imagine no other place I'd rather be.

Surrender

Church last night was exactly what God wanted me to hear. So much so that it scared me. I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I knew it was without a doubt the Lord speaking to my heart. Sometimes our roots have to be broken for us so we can be used in bigger and better ways.

Surrender:
1 a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand
b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another
2 a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner
b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)
intransitive verb : to give oneself up into the power of another : YIELD


Second Mile Message from last night:
http://www.secondmi.org/living-out-our-c

ESPN can have my babies...

I can't tell you how much I LOVE March Madness!!! I'm crossing my fingers that my bracket holds up in the office pool. So far so good!!

Roof conversations

As I sat on the roof talking with my dear friend, I thought to myself, "I'm really going to miss this place." My heart was heavy for a brief moment. I would miss this city. It has been so good to me. Like a warm blanket on a cold night or a mothers hug after you fall and scrap your knee. It had comforted me, shielded me, and stolen my heart.

I finally took my own advice. I leaped. I told Laura once that God can't move a stalled car. He can, however, direct it once it's in motion. It's in motion. Now what?

Never...

I've never been asked out on a date. I'm 25, and I've never been asked out on an official I'll pick you up at 7, wear something nice, it's a surprise where we're going kind of date. How have I lived this long and settled for anything less? When did relationships get so complicated? When did the term "hanging out" suddenly become code for "we're interested"? I "hang out" with people all the time, but that doesn't mean I want to kiss them...most of the time anyway.

Now, I know asking a girl out is scary sometimes, but how else are we supposed to know you like us? Are we to suppose that every nice thing you do indicates interest? Are we really going to take a trip down memory lane and expect you to pull hair and throw rocks at us like the snot nosed, plaid shorts clad 10-year-old kid in my 4th grade class? Here's a revelation, it didn't work then and it doesn't work now. Try something new. Grow some jo-jo's. Just because you ask a girl on a date does not mean you're going to get married and have 10 kids. You'd be surprised how ladies will respond if you act your age and just ask her out already.

In between

I enjoy my life so much that sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure it's really happening. For a brief moment I had forgotten how great it was-'lost perspective' is the term I'm using to describe this brief moment in history. I had forgotten how precious those little moments were in my life. The ones that you usually forget because they're wedged in between weddings, funerals, break-ups, hook-ups, and any other event deemed emotionally taxing. They are the long talks over cubanos and brownies, random dance parties, aweful karaoke singing, saki bombers with no shot glasses as 2am, sleeping in, dancing to Brand New in your underwear in the middle of the day, mike-n-ikes at the movies, and searching for that one great pillow in the pile of otherwise hideous ones (seriously people...some of you have horrible taste).

These moments are the ones that remind me how sweet life is. When everything in the world seems big and overwhelming, I remember these moments. They're the ones that make life count. They're the ones that make my heart sing.

Excuse me mister...would you sign my...

I want to go in all directions symultaniously. I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel like I'm holding my breath, waiting for something to happen. The world is still spinning and I'm not sure if I like it or not. I think I like the expectation of it all. The girl in my longs for the firsts. I haven't longed in quite some time. I think I like it.

We should just hire paparazzi

This is Maddi and I enjoying the ups and downs of UA Basketball. This is what we're refering to as the "You call that a foul ref?!!" shot. We should just hire paparazzi.

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mewithoutyou

I need pop-punk and I need it now. I need a stiff drink. I need the beach, my bike, and the smell of the sea to fill my lungs and whip through my hair. I need a 4 hour nap and a late night picnic. I need something uncomplicated.